How to Improve a Difficult Co-Parenting Relationship

Last Updated on July 15, 2026 by Distance Parent

Some co-parenting relationships are constructive and healthy from the start. Many are not. The relationship between co-parents has run the gamut in the Distance Parent community, from toxic and threatening to positive and cooperative, sometimes within the same co-parenting arrangement over time.

Although the specifics of each relationship differ, a basic principle of human psychology applies universally: people move toward what makes them feel good and away from what does not. If your co-parent is avoiding you, angry, or defensive, these five strategies may help shift that dynamic.

Nothing in this article constitutes legal advice. For guidance specific to your situation, consult a qualified family law attorney.

1. Set and Respect Boundaries

Anger and defensiveness are natural reactions when someone crosses a personal boundary. Boundaries create a sense of safety, and when that safety is threatened, the natural response is to defend it. Respecting your co-parent’s boundaries is one of the most effective ways to reduce conflict and open the door to constructive communication. When both parents respect each other’s boundaries, safety grows, and trust builds.

In practice, this means paying attention to how your co-parent prefers to communicate and honoring that where possible. If they prefer email over phone calls, use email. If they prefer public locations for exchanges, accommodate that. If they prefer not to discuss their personal life, respect that line.

When you genuinely need something that conflicts with a stated boundary, explain the need and invite them to help find an alternative. Including them in that process rather than simply overriding their boundary makes a significant difference in how it lands.

Communicate your own boundaries clearly and reasonably as well. Many co-parents assume their limits will be understood without being stated.

2. Exercise Empathy

Difficult co-parenting relationships often devolve into mutual blame. There is usually some truth on both sides. Empathy means tuning in to the other person’s perspective — understanding what they might be thinking or feeling and why — which makes it possible to communicate in a way they can actually hear.

To practice empathy, try these questions:

If the roles were reversed and I were the custodial parent, how would I want the other parent to handle this?

If I were the non-custodial parent, what would it feel like to be in that position?

If I reacted the way my co-parent is reacting, what might I be feeling?

Exercising empathy toward someone who has not shown you the same can feel vulnerable. The payoff is a reduction in your own anger and an increased ability to communicate effectively.

3. Be Compassionate

Compassion and empathy reinforce each other. Anger, vindictiveness, and defensiveness do not develop in a vacuum. There are always circumstances behind a person’s behavior. Recognizing that does not mean enabling poor behavior or excusing it. It means separating the behavior from the person and understanding that the anger or defensiveness is usually a reflection of hurt, fear, or unresolved pain rather than a statement about you specifically.

When you approach your co-parent from a place of compassion rather than blame, you communicate in a way that is more likely to be well received. Your own anger diminishes in the process.

4. Use Nonviolent Communication

This method comes from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg, and it is one of the most practical tools available for difficult co-parenting conversations. It has been used in the Distance Parent community with real results in some of the most contentious co-parenting situations.

The basic framework is: I observe, I feel, I need, I request. It sounds simple, and it is, once the habit is built. The process involves learning to distinguish observation from interpretation, feelings from judgments, and needs from demands, and then expressing all of it with statements that do not place blame or trigger defensiveness.

The book is a gentle, accessible read and worth working through before your next difficult conversation with your co-parent. Practice it in lower-stakes situations first. The results in co-parent communication can be significant.

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5. Lead by Example

Most spiritual traditions include some version of the golden rule. Beyond its moral dimension, there is practical common sense in treating your co-parent the way you want to be treated — and therefore modeling the behavior you want to see in return.

Many people have no template for healthy, constructive communication. It is not something most people were taught explicitly and it is not something most people grew up watching modeled well. Your co-parent may genuinely not know what constructive communication looks like in practice.

When you consistently show up with empathy, compassion, and clear respectful communication, you give your co-parent something to respond to. You cannot control how they behave but you can control what you model. Be the change you want to see in the relationship.

Moving Forward

These five approaches work together. Empathy increases compassion. Compassion improves communication. Better communication builds trust. Trust makes it easier to set and respect boundaries. None of it happens overnight but each step in the right direction changes the dynamic in ways that compound over time.

For more practical ideas on day-to-day co-parent communication, see co-parent communication strategies. For book recommendations from other long-distance parents, see co-parenting books.

The Distance Parent Facebook group is a private community of parents working through similar co-parenting challenges every day.