Call Me Crazy?
Tuesday, October 11, 2011 11:35For most of the past two years I have been living 1,100 miles away from my beloved children. The decision to move far away from them did not come easily but I have had to live with it every day since then. I have tried very hard to soothe myself with the fact that they live in my ex-wife’s hometown, a small place with very few job opportunities and where, for more than eight years, I struggled to earn a living and to make friends. I know that my life there was mostly unhappy and unfulfilling but, when my ex-wife and I were together, I at least could comfort myself in knowing that I could enjoy spending time with my kids every day.
When I agreed to move to my ex-wife’s hometown 10 years ago, I did so with an open mind and a sense of adventure. We had just gotten married and were leaving behind a lot of stress and strain. For one thing, we both worked in downtown Washington, DC, and the horror of 9/11 was fresh in our minds. For another, we had just survived a nightmare scenario, in which my whole extended family went to war with us over our wedding plans, which were apparently not in line with their highfalutin standards. The idea of raising our family in a tidy little New England village near the ocean seemed quite seductive at the time. I would find a job, and she would stay home and raise the kids.
Over the next eight years I struggled mightily to hold up my end of the bargain, living, as we did, in a small town located 100 miles from the nearest big city. For a while I had a secure, albeit boring and low-paying, job with a public agency that just barely allowed us to afford for her to stay home with a baby. When that job proved untenable and I couldn’t find anything better, I launched a consulting business, which went well enough, but forced me to travel a lot and came with no security. After our second child was born and the national economic meltdown came, I found myself with less and less work and, thus, less and less income.
Then came the final blow—she told me that she wanted a divorce. I begged her to reconsider, but I couldn’t get her to talk about anything, much less convince her to go to counseling to work things out. She had made up her mind that she wanted me gone, and so I gave up and moved out. With each week that passed I became certain that I wasn’t going to be able to afford child support, rent, or anything else, unless I somehow found a decent job nearby. Well, after years of trying, it didn’t surprise me that I couldn’t find anything, not in the depths of the recession. With nowhere else to go, I decided to go back to Atlanta, where I went to grad school, began my career, and still had lots of friends (something I sorely lacked in the little place I had been living). I also had another reason to fly south—after my divorce I had innocently contacted an old girlfriend who had also been through a divorce with a young child (I just wanted her advice), and we soon got back together.
Fast forward to the present. I am happily married, living with my new wife and stepdaughter, holding down a good job with a healthy income, and generally enjoying a comfortable life in a two-income household. So why is it that I am considering giving up this terrific new life and finding a job back north? It’s simple: I love my children and I feel like I’m missing out on too much of their childhoods by living this way. As it stands, I’m only able to see for one long weekend about once every two months, plus six weeks in the summertime. As they get older maybe that will do, but right now it’s just not good enough for me.
If you are reading this, you are either a long-distance parent, have been one in the past, or you love somebody who is one. Whichever one it is, you have lived through the same emotions that I have expressed, so you are uniquely qualified to answer my simple question: am I crazy? Can it possibly be worth throwing away a good and happy existence in a place I actually enjoy to return to a place where I spent eight frustrating and unhappy years just so I can spend more time with my kids? Is it better for my kids for me to be happy and able to support them financially, or is it better than I see them all the time, regardless of anything else?
Chris says:
October 24th, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Hi, Your story really resonated with me. I have a similar story myself, and have been desperately seeking support resources to connect with other non custodial distance parents. However I laugh when I read about the distances – 1100 miles (not minimizing it for you, we all struggle and any distance is too far), another town or state. I live in Colorado and my son lives about 5000 miles away in Germany. We Skype weekly, but he has a new step-father and the whole thing is surreal. If you can offer any advice on connecting with a group, support groups, etc, I am all ears. I haven’t been able to find anything around Boulder. Thank you this site is helpful.
Carrie says:
October 24th, 2011 at 12:11 pm
Hi Chris, In person support can be rare. I recommend rallying online support where you can. My long distance moms email group has been a huge support for me and others. The distanceparent.org facebook page is a great way to reach out to other parents in your situation as well. I know that frequentfather, the author of this article, was interested in fostering more community and awareness and I get emails and comments around this site from other dads pretty regularly. It just takes a few. :)
Thomas says:
October 25th, 2011 at 7:58 pm
Hello,
I just read this article as I find my self in a similar situation. My ex and I broke up and she moved back to California with our 1 year old daughter. The distance between us is 3000 miles, and we are currently in the process of figuring out a long distance parenting plan. I too have a good paying job that will support my daughter financially however I will miss out on watching her grow up. I could choose to move to California, but I know I couldn’t find a job paying better then minimum wage. I find my self in a place of hurt and confusion. I know that I will need to sacrifice the first few years of my daughters life so that I can be there for her when she is older and I pray that one day when she can voice an opinion she chooses to live with me. Don’t ever give up on your children, don’t run away, don’t forget them, keep fighting and always make the effort because one day they will realize what you sacrificed for their happiness.
charlie says:
October 30th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Hello, I am new to the website but have found it very insightful and helpful. I too have been in a transition with my son who just turned six and is in kindergarten. I am trying to figure out how to post or create my own blog and link it to this website. Can anyone help or give me pointers on this?
The Benz says:
November 3rd, 2011 at 6:54 am
Chris,
It is a tough situation that you have. I have a similar one, as my oldest daughter lives a 10 hour drive away and is 5, so we are really hesitant about having her fly alone. It’s only been a few months since the distance gap grew, but it is hard to stomach. I, like you stayed far too long where the job market was crap and the weekly making nice with my ex was challenging at best. We spent 2 years in custody litigation and I lost everything. The fact of the matter is that if you can’t keep up with financial obligations(child support) it will get bad fast for you, not to mention it will just compound and worst of all your kids won’t have the things that they need on a day to day basis. Would your ex let you even see the kids if your are default financially? I do know that i now make less than I did 15 years ago and there is no end in sight. Also, how will that affect your new wife and stepdaughter? I too have a new partner and we have a 18 month old daughter. I really hope that you are able to find a way to make things gel better. I understand your struggle and know that it is a really delicate and complicated thing to digest. If it were just as simple as wanting to be there and spend time with them…it just seems and feels un-natural to be away from a child. For me, my ex is all about the check every month and not about what is best for our daughter. So, long as she is not financially responsible and her schedule isn’t altered , pretty much anything goes. I do agree with what Thomas said to s degree about not giving up and keeping up the fight, however you can tank your situation if you are not careful and have none of the things you set out to accomplish. Lawyers will tell you what you want to hear to keep you writing checks…Best of Luck.