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To leave?

I cannot describe the sense of relief I feel since finding this site, to know I’m not the only one in this situation.  Long story short, I left my ex at the beginning of the year. It was the right thing to do, our relationship had been over for years and we both struggled to see it.

Due to the separation I ended up losing my job not long after and have been struggling financially since. I have to move into affordable accommodation and it is not ideal. My ex and I also have 50% care arrangement of our 6 year old boy.

The problem for me is that this is not my home. I have no family here, very few friends left since the separation and I’m struggling, emotionally and financially. I have a boyfriend who lives in another city who has been trying to support me as much as he can, and my parents are doing the best they can from where they are. But I cant keep relying on them to keep my head above water. The days and nights that I don’t have my son are killing me.

So, I’m considering moving to my boyfriends. The prospect of not being here for my son is killer. But staying here I’m going down, I cant be the mum I need to be, I cant afford to give him what he needs, and I cant compete with his father. With the support of my boyfriend and my family maybe things can be better. I have a job to go to there and things to occupy me. I can fly here every second weekend to see him or he can fly to me.

The thing that gets me, is will my son cope with out me here? Is this going to screw him up? Is he going to resent me for it? Will I be able to cope? How are other people going to view me leaving? So many thoughts going through my mind…I cant see straight anymore!


A Mum dealing with the changes that separation brings

This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. Mario

    Do what you think is best for you and your son. As long as your in commication with your son you’ll be fine. When making these decisions there’s no right answer because you are the one living it and expericing it. You are the only one that knows what is best. Trust your gut feeling with your decision. Just know that this decisions is not perminate and it could change down the line. Have faith and stay positive that all will workout. Wishing you the best!

  2. Another Becca

    I recently moved 6,000 miles away from my kids. After separating from their dad, I spent five years trying to rebuild a life in his country and couldn’t. So I moved back to my country, where I have family and a partner. I will see my kids four times per year– they’ll come here three times and I’ll go there once. Their dad is as good a dad as I am a mom, so I can’t reasonably demand they come live with me, nor is there any justification for an international custody battle. It may sound selfish, but the alternative was to stay there and put my own life on hold for another ten years until my youngest turns 18. I trust that later on they will understand why I chose not to do that.

  3. raquel_s

    I can completely relate to your post. I was a stay at home mom for almost 6 years. I did it all. He was abusive even after I signed documents in NY. I left because I couldn’t take the abuse and I took my daughter with me. He filed paperwork with lies and said he never abused me. I look like the crazy lady who kidnapped her child. I had to return to NY, provide her whenever he wanted while we were staying at someone’s house since I didn’t have anyone or anything there. No funds, no money, paying for a lawyer with whatever I could save up doing little jobs here and there. Now I had to decide to let my daughter stay here with him and be the visiting/long distant parent because I can’t provide for her and the court doesn’t side with victims due to the amount of women abusing that excuse. I feel your pain. You are not alone. I haven’t left NY yet. This was all recent.

    1. Jennifer

      raquel_s, I have the exact same situation as yours. I left my abusive, sociopath husband late last year to another city. We were married for 11 years with 2 daughters 11 and 4 years old. I have always been working since we were married, after I lost my job last fall and found another job in another city. I moved her with my toddler since the older one is in school.He then accused me of abducting her and abandon my older one. My attorney told me I need to send her back and start my life from ground zero with no job, no money and facing a abusive exhusband.

  4. Stephanie

    You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and only you know what the ‘healthiest’ thing to do is. Unfortunately, in my experience, you can never underestimate the pain of moving away from a child. I didn’t and mine is 22! I thought I had no choice and in many ways I didn’t, financially (and emotionally) but every day that I am separated from my (adult) son, I pick my brains as to what I could or should have done to stay in the same city as him. However, he was the wise one and said to me, ‘I would far rather see you thrive over there than wither here’. Still, that doesn’t ease my pain. And I can only imagine that if your son is just 6 years old you may suffer inordinately from being separated from him. All I can suggest is for you to do an inventory as to whether there is anything more you can do to stay reasonably close to him and if that’s not a possibility, you must leave with a loving a clean conscience and make sure that you have the best communication plans (daily, if possible) in place so that you can keep up with everything that’s going on in his life. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

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