When my son is here with me, there are a bunch of shows on hulu that we like to watch together. He snuggles up to me (don’t tell him I told you that) and we get into the show together. He anticipates what shows will be on when and we don’t watch the ones we both like until we can watch them together.

Yesterday, during internet visitation, I suggested we watch one of our shows together. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I never thought of that before. We picked out a show and synchronized pushing play. After each commercial break, because commercials are kind of random and we had different commercials, we’d pause until we were both ready to push play again.

We could laugh at the same times, he could ask questions, we could comment on what was happening. It was almost.. ALMOST like we were right there together again.

Last night, as my son and I sat at the counter nomming strawberries, we were talking about him writing his first words (‘dog’, ‘god’, and ‘no’) and I was able to relate the story to him about his first written words and how proud he was of them. He was 4 when he wrote them and he wrote them in a chat window during internet visitation with me. Now 11, he giggled and asked for more details. in the same way he’s asked about his first steps or for me to tell him about how I met his dad. It’s a memory just like all the rest – even though it happened over internet chat during a time when I couldn’t be there with him.

Seven years ago, I wrote this post about experiencing my son’s firsts via webcam. I’d completely forgotten that I’d blogged about it, as I was having that conversation last night with my son. But in re-reading the post, I remember how ecstatic I was that I got to witness a ‘first’ (and got screen prints!) even though I was far away. I remember how MUCH I needed those small moments to reassure me that I was still connected with him and that our relationship was meaningful.

My son was only 5 at the time. In kindergarten. I remember having that ‘ideal’ picture in my mind of what the perfect long distance situation would be like. He’d look forward to talking to me and… (More)

This is my first holiday season as a long distance father.  Last year I lived in the same town as my daughter, then age 3, and I saw her every other weekend and one night during the week (sometimes over night).  I was living in a small two bedroom apartment just minutes from her.  During my visitation with her, we’d engage in typical holiday fun (my girlfriend was even so sweet as to order us a big Thanksgiving dinner and have it delivered for one of my visits with my daughter, even though she was a thousand miles away visiting her own family).  I would take Allie shopping to get Christmas ideas for her and to pick out gifts for the rest of the family.  We would watch holiday cartoons or rearrange decorations on the tree.  Basically, every few days or so, we’d spend our time together reveling in the joys of the season and I’d enjoy getting to see the holiday magic through her eyes, as she compiled her endless list for Santa and asked question after question about the jolly red guy.  And when I wasn’t with her, I spent what seemed like months building my daughter one of those wooden dollhouses, gluing shingles, painting or decorating the miniature interior – it turned out to be a gift that she loved and still enjoys playing with.

I’ve never been one of those huge holiday fanatics, as it often brings back some painful childhood memories that I’d rather not… (More)

In this post about virtual visitation, someone asked the question “how (do you) protect your own computer’s privacy if the parties are not friendly?” And the answer is ‘sensibly’.

ANY computer should be behind a firewall and be protected by virus scan. Additionally, any computer that a child has access to should also be protected by software meant to keep them away from people and content that are not deemed ‘safe’ by the child’s parents (parental control software).

I’ve used a few pieces of parental control software in the past with mixed results. Recently, I landed upon Norton Online Families. It’s parental control software that has a lightweight client that you install on your computer(s) but otherwise, you access it’s controls online from wherever you happen to be. It’s free. It’s robust. It’s feature rich. It’s great, I think!

Here are the things I like about it :

• It’s free. Completely, 100% free. No cost.
• I manage it online. That means that if I’m at work and remember to tweak a setting, I can do it right then instead of waiting. If my son is with a sitter and the sitter calls me to say they are locked out, I can change it from my smart phone. If I want to see what he’s been up to when I’m not AT HIS COMPUTER, I can log on and see it from anywhere.
• Also a benefit

… (More)

My son is young and I have been out of his life probably for as long as he can remember. I would like to start contact again but I don’t even know where to start. Any tips on how to start or what to do?

I would recommend talking to a child psychologist to get some good insight. They be able to give you good pointers and reliable advice based upon your specific situation and your specific child – and should you ever need to go to court, that is a mature, responsible approach that will be on your side.

Past that, slow and easy. Write letters or cards, even if you live in the same city. Do supervised visitation for a while to make sure he feels completely comfortable with you before you ask for unsupervised time. Don’t expect miracles and try to remain humble and hopeful even if you have a tough day. Get onto a schedule that he can depend upon. Be reliable. Don’t make promises you won’t keep and keep all of the promises you make.

If you’ve got pictures of him as a baby or even better, you and him, those could be good to show him. He probably does have SOME memory of you.. it’s just not shaped into ‘parent’. Telling him what you remember or showing him pictures can be a good way to reconnect what memories he has with you.