I haven’t posted here in awhile.  Truth be told, I view this site (and accompanying Facebook page) as an uplifting support system, ripe with extremely valuable insight and optimistic outlooks and advice on how best to make the most of a very trying situation.  I love how all involved help to lift each other up, give advice and share their own stories.  It’s a virtual home of hope and support, all in such a wonderful vein of positivity.

I guess lately, I’ve felt that I can’t add too much of that hopeful outlook, as I’ve been struggling as my little girl has started Kindergarten, and that changed the dynamic quite a bit for me.  I still try to call her every single day (my work Outlook Calendar is still blocked for 30 minutes every afternoon for the task).  But more and more phone calls go unanswered.  More and more text messages go unreturned.  Each unreciprocated attempt feels like another kick in the gut, to the point where I have come to not expect a connection, but rather that vacant sound of the generic voicemail voice, prompting me, yet again, to leave a message – a message that I’ll inevitably wonder if my little girl ever heard, or paid too much attention to, in light of all else that is going on in her life; a life that I feel more and more distanced from.

I don’t want to paint a portrait of desperation or despair.  As mentioned, I’ve come to… (More)

This is my first holiday season as a long distance father.  Last year I lived in the same town as my daughter, then age 3, and I saw her every other weekend and one night during the week (sometimes over night).  I was living in a small two bedroom apartment just minutes from her.  During my visitation with her, we’d engage in typical holiday fun (my girlfriend was even so sweet as to order us a big Thanksgiving dinner and have it delivered for one of my visits with my daughter, even though she was a thousand miles away visiting her own family).  I would take Allie shopping to get Christmas ideas for her and to pick out gifts for the rest of the family.  We would watch holiday cartoons or rearrange decorations on the tree.  Basically, every few days or so, we’d spend our time together reveling in the joys of the season and I’d enjoy getting to see the holiday magic through her eyes, as she compiled her endless list for Santa and asked question after question about the jolly red guy.  And when I wasn’t with her, I spent what seemed like months building my daughter one of those wooden dollhouses, gluing shingles, painting or decorating the miniature interior – it turned out to be a gift that she loved and still enjoys playing with.

I’ve never been one of those huge holiday fanatics, as it often brings back some painful childhood memories that I’d rather not… (More)

The other day I got a very short email, simply:

                “Any ideas for you and Allie for Christmas?  What’s she into?  Love, Mom” 

I closed out of the innocuous and harmless request for ideas and started to feel a little choked up and sad.  Truth be told, I guess I kind of know what Allie is into.  I mean, Barbies and princesses and all of the other stuff that 4 year old girls play with, right?  I guess I had a moment (okay, maybe more than just a moment) of feeling like a pretty lousy dad.  When it comes down to it, I guess I don’t really know what it is that my daughter is really into right now.  Humbly, I fired off a text message to her mother to ask for a few ideas.  Needless to say, I was pretty in the dark about some of the stuff that came back (really, a drum set??).

                In the few conversations that I get with my daughter we talk about school, about playing with her friends, what she’s up to at that given moment, and about how much we love and miss each other.  I guess it never really dawned on me to ask her what she’s playing with, what she watches on TV or what books she reads.  I know that the last time I saw her, over the summer on… (More)