For most of the past two years I have been living 1,100 miles away from my beloved children. The decision to move far away from them did not come easily but I have had to live with it every day since then. I have tried very hard to soothe myself with the fact that they live in my ex-wife’s hometown, a small place with very few job opportunities and where, for more than eight years, I struggled to earn a living and to make friends. I know that my life there was mostly unhappy and unfulfilling but, when my ex-wife and I were together, I at least could comfort myself in knowing that I could enjoy spending time with my kids every day.

When I agreed to move to my ex-wife’s hometown 10 years ago, I did so with an open mind and a sense of adventure. We had just gotten married and were leaving behind a lot of stress and strain. For one thing, we both worked in downtown Washington, DC, and the horror of 9/11 was fresh in our minds. For another, we had just survived a nightmare scenario, in which my whole extended family went to war with us over our wedding plans, which were apparently not in line with their highfalutin standards. The idea of raising our family in a tidy little New England village near the ocean seemed quite seductive at the time. I would find a job, and she would stay home and raise… (More)

When you live away from your kids and the custodial parent, exchanging checks or eyeballing the same physical document is not possible. Fortunately for us, these days, the internet hosts a variety of websites with services or tools that allow you to do just that.

There are a plethora of paid shared custody tool websites, which I will cover in a later post. However, there are ways to manage these tasks really simply, for free, and maybe even using tools that you already use.

Paypal

When parents don’t live close together, handing the custodial parent a child support check every month isn’t an option. Or when your child has an unexpected ER visit, it might not be feasible for the custodial parent to wait a week to receive your part of the medical expenses and for the check to clear their bank.

Paypal is quick, reliable and easy. Once your account is set up (which can be a rather lengthy process, if you don’t already use paypal), you can send money to anyone who has a paypal account – ie: the custodial parent, hopefully.

Best of all, it records every transaction that you can easily report on. No more hanging on to receipts,check stubs and bank statements in order to prove that you paid your child support on time or that you paid your part of the medical bills.

Google Docs

If you’ve ever had to go through one of those mind numbing conversations or email chains… (More)

In the beginning of my long distance parenting arrangement, my son’s father and I agreed to split air fare in half with his half not to exceed a certain amount. This went into our long distance parenting plan.

However, if that’s not possible, in California, travel cost associated with the children becomes a credit in the child support calculation. In our case, since we split the travel, it’s a wash but if you can’t split the cost of travel, check with your state on how that can factor into child support.

When someone tells me they are getting a divorce and the other parent will be getting physical custody of the child(ren), there is one piece of advice I always give them. It is : Make your parenting plan EXACTLY what you want no matter how wonderful your relationship with the other parent is right now, no matter how idealistic your views of co-parenting may be… plan for the worst.

My ex and I split quite peacefully. There was some pain and hurt – but we were friends. We wanted our son to always have both parents. We wanted to cooperate and co-parent even though we were separated. We had a verbal agreement and even went so far as to take it to an attorney to make it official (we thought “WOW… that’s a stretch… make it legal?! We don’t need to do all that, do we?”).

Then his mother and then, girlfriend got involved. Oddly, the attorney disappeared along with the written agreement. Suddenly, he simply was not going to give me my son, as we had agreed. He filed for divorce again, this time claiming abandonment. That was, of course, overturned and we went through the legal process and got a parenting plan in place. I fought tooth and nail to get stuff into the parenting plan that we had previously agreed upon. Things he had ASSURED me he thought were in the best interest of our son only months before.

Later, once everything was… (More)

“She asked the judge if she could keep the kids from him if he didn’t pay child support”, my friend told me. I’m sure my cheeks blanched. “Personally, I don’t think he should get to see them. If he can’t pay child support, he can’t see them”, she continued.

I almost felt rage. I replied very carefully. “You’re STUPID!” haha… just kidding. I didn’t say that. I actually said something to the tune of “That would never be in the best interest of the kids. She might be mad when he doesn’t pay. It might even put her in a really tough spot financially. But the kids need both parents no matter how pissed off they are at each other.”

I was shocked to hear someone I consider a friend say something like this. In a moment, every argument I’ve ever had with my son’s father and every argument my ex husband ever had with my stepdaughter’s mother came flashing back. It’s a good thing that we have courts and judges. Sure, some judges are a pain in the rear and we might not like what they have to say sometimes – but if child support and custody cases were left up to the parents, I think keeping the kids away from the other parent would be far more popular. As would not paying child support, I’m sure.

As someone who has been on both sides of the coin… having been the long distance parent as well as the custodial… (More)