1. Consistency is Key

One of the issues facing children who have a parent that is away is that the child may feel, at times, left behind. This happens in cases where that absent parent is away for work or family purposes and thus cannot be a part of the family in a physical manner. It is imperative to make communication with the child consistent and routine. This will help the child adjust to the situation and never doubt the role of the long distance parent.

2. Fun and Enthusiasm

Long distance parenting has one pitfall and that is not being able to be there for the tears and the laughter that a child goes through on a daily basis. You can make the best of your situation by making sure to stay upbeat and positive when talking to your child. You should tell a few jokes, listen intently to their stories and ask a ton of questions so that the child feels missed, loved and cared for by the parent who is not there. Make sure to be as enthusiastic as possible when communicating with your child will go a long way in making them feel important to you.

3. Incorporate Technology In To Your Talks

One great advantage to being a long distance parent in today’s world is that various forms of technology and devices can make the experience richer and more rewarding. Though it is great to be able to talk and hear each other’s voice over the phone; one cannot neglect video chatting and messaging that allow you to see your child as you are having those nightly chats about what happened that day. Smart phones, tablet computers, mobile devices and even laptops can be easily updated to incorporate these types of technology so that when you talk to your child you can see them and watch their expression as you listen, laugh and love.

4. Sending Little Presents Back and Forth

It is a great feeling to get a care package or even a card in the mail as it shows you that someone is thinking of you. This can be a tool used for those in long distance parenting situations. The child can routinely make and send letters, artwork or even schoolwork to the parent not in the home so they feel part of the everyday routine of the child. In addition, the parent can send little things to the child from time to time as kids simply adore getting mail.

The right approach to long distance parenting is different for everyone as no two situations are the same. You will always know your child best and thus you can make your interactions with your child ones that meet their emotional needs and make both you and your child feel connected, in tune with one another and as if you were not even separated by distance.

Some of us are super lucky to have completely constructive, healthy relationships with the other parent. But some of us are not so lucky. In my own case, my relationship with my son’s other parent(s) has run the gamut from toxic and threatening to positive and healthy. Although the specifics of each relationship a very very basic part of human psychology is that we seek out the stuff that makes us feel good or will get us what we want – and avoid the stuff that doesn’t make us feel good or will not get us what we want. If your co-parent is avoiding you or is angry or defensive towards you, here are five (more subtle) ways to use that facet of human psychology to encourage mutual communication from your co-parent.

1. Respect their Boundaries – and Yours

Anger and, in turn, defensiveness, is a natural reaction when someone crosses a personal boundary. Boundaries make us feel safe and when someone does something that is adverse to that sense of safety, the natural reaction is to defend those spaces – be they physical or emotional. Respecting the other parents boundaries is an easy way to avoid hurt, anger and defensiveness, which are enemies of constructive, healthy, two way communication. If both parents respect each other’s boundaries, a sense of safety can grow and safety begets trust.

For example, if your co-parent would prefer to converse via email instead of by phone, unless it is a considerable burden on you, conduct your conversations via email. Perhaps the other parent would prefer to exchange the child in a public location rather at their home – or would prefer not to discuss their personal life. Unless there is an urgent issue affecting the well being of your child that requires something adverse to their boundaries, make every effort to respect them.

In the case that you need something that the other parent has said is off limits, explain your need to them and let them help you come up with alternatives. Include them in the process rather than simply violating their boundary. That doesn’t mean that you must be at the other parent’s whim, and there are definitely limits that can be too restrictive or unreasonable. But making this honest effort will go a long way towards fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Likewise, communicate your own boundaries gently and reasonably, and expect them to be respected. Many of us assume that our boundaries will just be understood but often, the other side has no idea really what the boundaries are.

2. Exercise Empathy

There are always more than two sides to every story. Very often difficult custodial relationships degrade into finger pointing and blame – mutually – from both sides. And there is probably a grain of truth in both sides. Empathy is like ‘tuning in’ to the other side. It gives you insight into what they might be thinking or feeling, why they might think or feel that way and helps you to better communicate with them. In order to practice empathy, try these questions :

• If I, the non-custodial parent, were actually the custodial parent, how would I want them to handle this?
• If I, the custodial parent were actually the non-custodial parent, what would it be like to be in those shoes?
• If I reacted in the way they reacted, what might I be feeling in order to make me react that way?

Having empathy for the other parent in a situation in which they have not been similarly empathetic to you is tough. It can feel vulnerable or even weak. But the payoff for having empathy is the ability to have increased compassion for them, which decreases your own anger.

3. Be Compassionate

Compassion goes hand in hand with empathy because one will increase the other.

Anger, vindictiveness and defensiveness can sour any relationship – but no one becomes that way in a vacuum. There are always circumstances that make a person the person they are. Just because you have made the decision to change the way you behave towards them doesn’t mean they have made the same decision.

Having compassion towards someone is having the ability to say “I am where I am and you are where you are and we’re both ok. I understand where you are and I hear/see your actions/words as a reflection of that rather than blaming you.” That doesn’t mean you have to enable or allow abusive or ill behavior or that they are not responsible for their behavior. You shouldn’t allow abusive behavior – and they are very much responsible for their behavior. But having compassion means moving from a place of finger pointing and blame to a place where you are able to separate the behavior from the person and have compassion for the person who is in the angry or defensive place due to a history of hurt, sadness or fear.

When you are able to be compassionate towards the other parent, you cultivate a greater sense of where they are coming from, and therefor, more empathy, which will allow you to communicate in a way they will hear and understand. And you will find that your own anger diminishes.

4. Use Nonviolent Communication

I swear by this method (and this book). It’s from Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. I’ve recommended it to clients, students, lovers, friends and co-workers. I use it at home when tension runs high. I use it at work when dealing with difficult co-workers. I use it when negotiating sticky social situations. I have mediated difficult situations between other people using this method. It works. If you put it into practice and REALLY follow it… it works. Always. 100%. And the beauty is that the other person doesn’t need to be following it if you know your stuff well enough.

The basic template is “I observe”, “I feel”, “I need”, “I request”. I know it looks super simple. And it is – once you get the hang of it. But there is a process involved, for most people, in learning to distinguish what we observe from what we feel. Or what is a feeling from what is a need. And then, in learning to express all of that with ‘I’ statements and without placing blame that might otherwise make someone defensive. This book is an excellent, gentle, easy ready on how to do that process.

Using this method, you can take the absolute most defensive, angry person, and turn the conversation completely around. I’m actually a little surprised that I didn’t already post a review of this on the site! I might have fervently searched for the post I was sure I made before writing this section. Get the book, practice it with friends. Try it out at work… and then use it in your next difficult conversation with your co-parent.

5. Lead by Example

So many spiritual paths have versions of the golden rule – Act towards others the way you’d want them to act towards you. But rather than looking at it as a moral value, consider the common sense in treating them the way you’d want them to treat you – and therefore leading by example.

1. Humans learn by example. We learn our very basic fundamental interaction skills when we are very young by watching the adults around us and learning the ‘template’ for human interaction. Later in life, we might learn something by hearing instructions but mastery comes by trying it out or participating in watching someone else do it in real life.
2. We learn to be in a relationship, as very young children, before we even really realize what a relationship is, by watching those around us who are in relationships. Usually, we are only privvy to the inside workings of a relationship by watching our parents. This is why children of abusive homes often go on to be in abusive relationships, as an extreme example – why we look for our parents in our mates. Because those are the examples or templates that we feel very comfortable with (minus any conscious effor t to break those templates).
3. Many people don’t have an example of healthy, constructive communication. Most of us did not grow up in homes in which our parents had a perfect storybook relationship. I know that because I know that over 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. Of the other 50%, a good proportion believe they should stick it out no matter what, due to traditional or religious values and expectations – which does not a healthy, happy relationship make.

That means that the other parent might very well have no idea what it even looks like to be constructive or healthy in their interactions with another person – including you. Telling them will sound too preachy and will be likely to be rejected, sending them a self help book might look condescending and be rejected out of hand – but showing them. Now that’s the hot ticket. What if, every time they came away from you, they felt GOOD? What if they noticed that the way you phrased things made things go so much more easily? They would begin to emulate the behavior that makes them feel good!

We’ve all been in situations in which we had to reach up, excel or advance to meet the expectations of a given situation. Either by buying a nice suit or dress and putting on those manners that mom taught us but we never have to use for a higher class function, by learning a new skill set to fit into a particular company role or department or even learning new skills and behaviors to be more like someone who we admire. By leading by example, not only do you pave the way for them to respond to you in a more positive way by showing them compassion and empathy and communicating with them in a non abrasive way but you give them an example to aspire to or grow towards.

I’m not the gamer in our family. I play at games sometimes. Every now and then I will slip down the rabbit hole of some game or another but after a few hours, I’m over it. My son and my partner are, by far, more dedicated to gaming than I probably ever will be. Between the two of them, they have more game consoles than anyone has any business having – and more than one of some of them. So, a new game console… plans to buy two more for xmas – doesn’t really excite me.

But yesterday, my partner sent me this reveal of the new Xbox One by wired magazine. It’s sexy. It’s sleek. And it does really neat things with television that I’ll admit… made me a little excited. I’ll never have to remember which number channel equals Duck Dynasty any more?! Sign me up!

But this morning, on the way to work, I heard NPR’s story on the Xbox One this morning which highlighted it’s skype capability. Oh, I know, the story I skimmed till the pretty pictures read yesterday mentioned it. But something about the way the NPR dude crooned in my ear hit home for me. Skype. While you watch television together.

Hey – wait a second – that sounds like something I might have posted here before as an excellent way to spend time together at a distance!

IGN has the video of the skype demo that you heard in the NPR piece that I’m sure you listened to, right? Voice and hand motion controlled (dummy proof?). Excellent video quality. And it’s right there as you play your game or watch a movie or watch television – together.

My son has used some form of webcam chat with this long distance parent since his dad and I have lived in separate states. Although recently, I haven’t really been such a big fan of skype, there was a time, when it was our go-to software.

It can be tough to get a kid to sit down in front of a webcam and chat for any length of time. I don’t think kids have a mode where they sit and talk like adults. They need to move, play and be engaged. Watching television together, over the phone or while on webcam, was a step in that direction, playing games together was also a step in that direction.

But gaming consoles with interaction capability have taken that a wee bit further. Last year, my son and his dad started playing games together via playstation, which allows them to talk back and forth during the game. Granted, the conversation is much more about beasting and bossing and griefing and whatnot than what happened in school, but it’s super nice for my son to get a chance to say “Hey dad, come look at this” as they experience something together or “Hey guys, this is my dad”, to his friends who are playing with them.

And as much as I hate to admit that Microsoft might have goodness up it’s sleeve, it looks like Xbox One could be an ace in the hole for long distance parents. It takes all of those things that kind of work in virtual visitation – and piles them all into one gaming console.

Although there is a ton of information on the site about long distance parenting, I realized that I never really explored what a long distance parent is (or is not).  When we talk about long distance parenting, we are talking about not just a single scenario but a variety of situations that could cause a parent to be at a distance from their child(ren) and a number of ways that the situations evolve.

The parents I interact with in the long distance parenting communities all have unique stories. Some have very cooperative co-parenting situations and some have much less cooperative or even hostile co-parenting situations. Some are legally divorced or separated, some are not – or have never been married. Some are separated by cities or states – some are separated from their children by oceans and countries.

There is no cookie cutter ‘long distance parenting’ relationship. But the thing they have in common is that they all look for ways to bridge the distance between parent and child despite, what can often be, difficult circumstances.

Custodial Parent Move-Away

If a custodial parent moves away, it is hopefully with the blessing of the court – and courts don’t generally make the decision to allow a move away by the custodial parent very lightly.

I can already hear the protests from other long distance parents. Of course it happens that custodial parents relocate out of spite or a sense of self preservation away from the noncustodial parent.  Of course that is a reality. My own mother hid me from our father for most of my childhood. But that situation is in the minority.  Although it wasn’t always the case, current laws go a great distance to protect parents and children from what amounts to parental kidnapping.

Non Custodial Parent Move-Away

This is probably the scenario that comes to mind for most people.  The non custodial parent moves away, becoming a long distance parent. The question I hear most from people who don’t understand this scenario is ‘What could be so important to move away from your kids?’.

I’ve never encountered a situation in which the long distance parent told me “I want to be away from my children, so I’m going to move.” So then, what could be so important?  Usually very basic life needs – job, family, healing, recovery and rehabilitation or the desire to succeed past what is available in a given area.  Although I’ve not had the opportunity to interact with many custodial parents who moved away, long distance parents who relocated away from their children usually have a pressing need to improve their life in some way, with the end desire of making something better for their kids.  While that could be criticized if you look only at the  moveaway, and not at the motivation, I find it difficult to criticize someone who has an eye on a larger picture improvement.

Military and Job related Traveling

Military members are required to be away from home for months and years at a time. Luckily, the military and the surrounding communities provide resources and support for military families separated by distance but individual families often have to find techniques that work for them and the individual circumstances of the deployed military member to keep contact between the kids and their long distance mom or dad strong. In fact, here is a great page on military.org on the subject.

Some non-military jobs require travelling and working abroad. While a particular job is ultimately optional, sometimes the alternatives to doing the job, staying with the company or travelling on the business trip are grim. Or sometimes the rewards of doing the work are good enough to make it an attractive option.

Even if they aren’t legally divorced or separated, military parents and parents who work away from home are still long distance parents and still have the same fundamental issue which is how to maintain a relationship with their child while they are apart.

What a Long Distance Parent Is Not

Every time a long distance parent explains their situation anew to a coworker, friend or family member, they brace for the assumptions that follow. Those assumptions are generally abandonment and being a dead beat mom or dad.

Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but if we’re using the definition that a long distance parent is someone who is separate from their child by distance but looks for ways to maintain a relationship and bridge the distance between themselves and their child, I think it’s important to look at some of the myths about long distance parents to distinguish them from what a long distance parent really is.

They Abandoned Their Kid(s)

Legally, abandonment, within the scope of child abandonment, means relinquishing one’s rights to the child with no intent of resuming or reasserting those rights. Long distance parents – parents who would use this site or look for ways to keep the relationship with their kids strong, are not abandoning their children legally.

Emotional abandonment, psychologically, is when a partner in a relationship (a parent, a lover, a spouse or otherwise) does not participate in safeguarding one’s emotional needs of being valued, nurtured and loved. To the contrary, most long distance parents have made very difficult decisions to do what’s best in the long run for their kids (or their country, in the case of military members). And although kids are not necessarily capable of understanding the big picture when they are little, with effort and time and patience, the child can come to understand and in the process, with consistent communication with and love from their parents, would be hard pressed to feel abandoned.

Dead Beat Dad or Dead Beat Mom

There is no official definition of a dead beat dad or a dead beat mom – but in our culture, a dead beat parent is generally understood to be a parent who exercises their parental rights to some degree but does not participate in supporting or raising their children.

Although, again, dead beat moms and dads do exist, lumping long distance parents – parents who are at a distance from their children and who support and maintain positive relationships with their children – in with parents who do not support or maintain positive relationships with their kid(s) is also mistaken.

Child abandonment does happen and dead beat parents do exist. But throwing the long distance parenting baby out with the abandonment and dead beat bathwater is in error. Many long distance parents go great lengths to stay involved in their child’s life and to make sure that their children don’t feel emotionally abandoned.

Parenting is hard and it’s full of tough decisions from birth and even past the time that the kid(s) are adults. The decision to be at a distance from a child is a valid or even necessary option sometimes and is one of the single toughest decisions to make. Long distance parents are not deadbeats or abandoning their kids. In fact, the decision to be apart from a child is just the first step of the tough road that they navigate to maintain a loving relationship with the child.