Comments on: Get the Support You Need http://distanceparent.org/day-in-the-life/get-the-support-you-need/ Long distance parents and their kids. Fri, 10 Sep 2010 18:55:33 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Danielle http://distanceparent.org/day-in-the-life/get-the-support-you-need/#comment-5292 Danielle Tue, 29 Dec 2009 04:02:42 +0000 http://distanceparent.org/wp/index.php/archives/68#comment-5292 I do feel guilt. I think society conditions us to feel that, less so for men. I know what I am doing is best for me and the future and I stay strong and true to that. I believe that the future can and will be better. I find that being forgiving and, as you said, releasing it, sets me free. From there I am free to deal with my self, my feelings and deal with my children in a loving and supportive way. Still, it's hard.... I choose not to spend christmas with my children because they ( and their father) were spending a few days with my parents. When I told my mother I was planning on coming down to be with my children, she told me "not to bother" and to do her a "favor" and "stay" where I was. I thought that it was better to avoid a fight and allow my children to enjoy their time with their grandparents. My daughter told me that they had a lot of fun but that my mother told her that I "wasn't invited to join them because of my attidude". It was very very hard to bite my tongue and smile and tell her how glad I was that she has fun. I hope that being loving, kind, firm and patient will be the answer and in the end, I am only concerned about my children and myself and have choosen to forget everyone else. I do feel guilt. I think society conditions us to feel that, less so for men. I know what I am doing is best for me and the future and I stay strong and true to that. I believe that the future can and will be better. I find that being forgiving and, as you said, releasing it, sets me free. From there I am free to deal with my self, my feelings and deal with my children in a loving and supportive way.
Still, it’s hard…. I choose not to spend christmas with my children because they ( and their father) were spending a few days with my parents. When I told my mother I was planning on coming down to be with my children, she told me “not to bother” and to do her a “favor” and “stay” where I was. I thought that it was better to avoid a fight and allow my children to enjoy their time with their grandparents. My daughter told me that they had a lot of fun but that my mother told her that I “wasn’t invited to join them because of my attidude”. It was very very hard to bite my tongue and smile and tell her how glad I was that she has fun.
I hope that being loving, kind, firm and patient will be the answer and in the end, I am only concerned about my children and myself and have choosen to forget everyone else.

]]> By: Carrie http://distanceparent.org/day-in-the-life/get-the-support-you-need/#comment-5291 Carrie Tue, 15 Dec 2009 18:44:26 +0000 http://distanceparent.org/wp/index.php/archives/68#comment-5291 First, I would address how YOU feel about being a long distance mom. If you don't feel shame or guilt, it's harder for them to make you feel badly. That said, there is really little else that can be done other than to use every experience as a learning experience. For instance, if they say something nasty, rather than reacting, Take a few deep breaths and relax, try to relate to where they are coming from... then just release it. Just let it go. It's not your anger and bitterness.. it's theirs. Let them marinate in their own grossness. :) Relax, relate, release. :) Kids are really smart. Yes, a long distance parents are easily undermined because they aren't RIGHT THERE. They get away with more with the other parent, maybe. But eventually, in hind sight, the only things a kid sees is how they feel about a particular parent. If you are honest, firm and loving with them, that is supportive and positive for them and they will feel it. Pick your battles. CHOOSE not to get wound up about the small stuff and decide what's REALLY a big stuff and what's REALLY a small stuff. First, I would address how YOU feel about being a long distance mom. If you don’t feel shame or guilt, it’s harder for them to make you feel badly.

That said, there is really little else that can be done other than to use every experience as a learning experience. For instance, if they say something nasty, rather than reacting, Take a few deep breaths and relax, try to relate to where they are coming from… then just release it. Just let it go. It’s not your anger and bitterness.. it’s theirs. Let them marinate in their own grossness. :) Relax, relate, release. :)

Kids are really smart. Yes, a long distance parents are easily undermined because they aren’t RIGHT THERE. They get away with more with the other parent, maybe. But eventually, in hind sight, the only things a kid sees is how they feel about a particular parent. If you are honest, firm and loving with them, that is supportive and positive for them and they will feel it. Pick your battles. CHOOSE not to get wound up about the small stuff and decide what’s REALLY a big stuff and what’s REALLY a small stuff.

]]> By: Danielle http://distanceparent.org/day-in-the-life/get-the-support-you-need/#comment-5290 Danielle Tue, 15 Dec 2009 00:28:01 +0000 http://distanceparent.org/wp/index.php/archives/68#comment-5290 I agree. Being judged is the worst part. My own family has disowned me because of my choice to move away. It is painful to miss my children, even more painful to realize that my family thinks that I am not worried or concerned about my kids. I am grow more and more angry every day about this. How do I deal with my resentment toward my family and parent my children long distance? I also feel that when my kids are around my family, I am under-minded by my family. They eluded that I am a horrible mother and pour pity on my children. I don't think that helps me or them. I agree. Being judged is the worst part. My own family has disowned me because of my choice to move away. It is painful to miss my children, even more painful to realize that my family thinks that I am not worried or concerned about my kids. I am grow more and more angry every day about this. How do I deal with my resentment toward my family and parent my children long distance? I also feel that when my kids are around my family, I am under-minded by my family. They eluded that I am a horrible mother and pour pity on my children. I don’t think that helps me or them.

]]> By: Holly http://distanceparent.org/day-in-the-life/get-the-support-you-need/#comment-5288 Holly Tue, 08 Dec 2009 21:18:40 +0000 http://distanceparent.org/wp/index.php/archives/68#comment-5288 Natalie, Obviously, every situation is different but one thing we all appear to have in common is a feeling of guilt. I think most people would consider that a normal, even healthy, reaction to being away from a child. In my personal experience, obsessing over what could have been is not a good thing. Maybe, in hindsight, certain things could have been handled differently - or maybe not, depending on the situation. I have days when I miss my daughter so much I cry uncontrollably but I always make a point to remain positive and upbeat when we talk on the phone. When she says she misses me, I tell her I miss her too and can't wait to see her again. I then usually engage her in planning what we will do when we see each other. It never gets easy but it can become more manageable. When is your next visit? Holly Natalie, Obviously, every situation is different but one thing we all appear to have in common is a feeling of guilt. I think most people would consider that a normal, even healthy, reaction to being away from a child. In my personal experience, obsessing over what could have been is not a good thing. Maybe, in hindsight, certain things could have been handled differently - or maybe not, depending on the situation. I have days when I miss my daughter so much I cry uncontrollably but I always make a point to remain positive and upbeat when we talk on the phone. When she says she misses me, I tell her I miss her too and can’t wait to see her again. I then usually engage her in planning what we will do when we see each other. It never gets easy but it can become more manageable. When is your next visit?

Holly

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