Adjustment Period
Friday, October 28, 2011 15:30I haven’t posted here in awhile. Truth be told, I view this site (and accompanying Facebook page) as an uplifting support system, ripe with extremely valuable insight and optimistic outlooks and advice on how best to make the most of a very trying situation. I love how all involved help to lift each other up, give advice and share their own stories. It’s a virtual home of hope and support, all in such a wonderful vein of positivity.
I guess lately, I’ve felt that I can’t add too much of that hopeful outlook, as I’ve been struggling as my little girl has started Kindergarten, and that changed the dynamic quite a bit for me. I still try to call her every single day (my work Outlook Calendar is still blocked for 30 minutes every afternoon for the task). But more and more phone calls go unanswered. More and more text messages go unreturned. Each unreciprocated attempt feels like another kick in the gut, to the point where I have come to not expect a connection, but rather that vacant sound of the generic voicemail voice, prompting me, yet again, to leave a message – a message that I’ll inevitably wonder if my little girl ever heard, or paid too much attention to, in light of all else that is going on in her life; a life that I feel more and more distanced from.
I don’t want to paint a portrait of desperation or despair. As mentioned, I’ve come to readjust my expectations a bit, and I’m extremely thankful for the times that we do get to connect, even if the conversation consists of my trying to satisfy a week’s worth of curiosity about her comings-and-goings into a 5-10 minute chat. Before the school year started, I proactively reached out to my little girl’s new teacher via email, to explain our situation and my desire to be as big a part of her education as I can be from 1,500 miles away. In turn, I was added to the teacher’s class email distribution, so I am made aware regularly of all of the activities, field trips and other special events associated with my daughter’s time at school – activities that I otherwise probably wouldn’t know about. Given the infrequency of our chats, I’ve started making notes and lists of all of the things that I want to remember to discuss with her the next time we talk, including all of these things. It’s my way of trying to stay organized and to remember these things when we do eventually touch base, but at the same time it feels as if I have to formalize something that should come so informally and organically.
Growing up, I was one of those few who enjoyed school and all that it did to keep me occupied, challenged and even entertained. I certainly understand and appreciate school days, after school care and compressed periods of time at home in the evenings – to cram in dinner, play, and a bath before heading to bed to do it all over again – creates a busy, hectic life, especially for a 5 year old little girl. I can understand that talking on the phone to explain all of the exciting activities in her life is much further down on her list of priorities than on my own. She’s certainly not one who dwells on the past, and she lives for the moment. I appreciate the fact that two time zones, extracurricular activities and all else that we both have going on at all times inhibits and complicates our ability to be in regular contact. But at the same time, understanding and appreciating these things does not make it any easier. I hear the joy and excitement in her voice when we do speak. I hear an enthusiasm for school that any father would be very proud of. Mostly, I hear the maturity and development in my little girl that formal education is designed to foster; maturity and development that I both love and hate at the same time. I couldn’t be happier that she’s adjusted to school and doing so well. At the same time, I loathe that I’m not more a part of it all. I long for time with my little girl, who’s just not so little anymore, and I hate that she never will be again.
Anyway, I realize that this is a time of adjustment for us both. I anxiously look forward to her visiting over both the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Of course the school year now makes it a bit trickier in planning these visits, as my available time with her is now predetermined and her school obligations must be considered. But I suppose it’s an adjustment that I’ll need to figure out, since it’s my reality for the foreseeable future.
While I look forward to seeing her in person, I’ll continue to block my schedule for 30 minutes every day to make those phone calls, even if I only wind up using the 30 or so seconds it takes to hear 4 rings before that impersonal voicemail greeting and the impending feeling of emptiness of another day without hearing my daughter’s voice that can change my entire disposition and put a little extra skip in my step. Many days, my entire mood is dictated by how long it’s been since I’ve spoken to my little girl.
To ease the difficulty, I signed up for an email account, in her name, to which I’ll occasionally send a brief message simply telling her I miss her, I love her, or whatever else I haven’t been able to tell her directly, recently. At this point, it’s nothing more than a repository to store notes of my thoughts of her, stories of my day and other rather innocuous and usually mundane views. Maybe one day, several years from now, I’ll give her the log-in information for the email account. Or maybe I won’t. The reality is it doesn’t really matter. Either way, it’s been a therapeutic way for me to feel a bit of a connection to her when I’m missing her so much. I might not be able to be there for the field trips to the pumpkin patch or for her weekly gymnastics class, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think of her every single day.
So, knowing it’s not a real “silver lining” aggregation of words, I post this with hesitation. But my sincere hope is that anyone reading it can find the positive aspects of this transition, or better yet, feel a deeper sense of appreciation for those moments that they do get, whether via phone, Skype, or in person. Being a long distance parent isn’t easy, by any stretch of the imagination, but that doesn’t mean that we can draw on one another’s insight to remain strong and make the best life that we can for ourselves and our children. I’m quite thrilled and blessed to have this outlet.
Carrie says:
October 31st, 2011 at 1:19 pm
I’m sorry to hear that it’s been tough lately. I can completely relate.
One of the biggest difficulties of being a long distance parent is that feeling of being isolated and alone. While you might not feel like saying it out loud is being supportive, you ARE putting something out there that is a little-verbalized but often experienced, real, solid experience. It’s something that others can relate to and when they read it, it’s a relief to realize they are not alone. Thank you for posting. You give really valuable insight that I’m sure many parents are glad to hear. And when you’re feeling out of sorts and down about stuff, I hope you have the chance to reap the benefit of others in the community letting you know you aren’t alone.
Susan says:
November 10th, 2011 at 4:12 pm
I have tears reading this. I live 600 miles from my two boys. They live in Michigan and I live in Tennessee. I can completely relate. I haven’t seen my boys since August when the summer visit came to an end. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas as well. I have been fighting a break down this week. No parent can understand what we are going through unless they are. I appreciate you posting this because I do feel alone, even when I am not. I cannot wait to smell their skin, hugs, and kisses again. I found out my son is having trouble in school. He is having anger issues and I wonder if it is contributed. Although I have been living without physical custody of my kids since 2009. It has not gotten much easier. I am coping better though. But when my children start acting out, its all I can do not to want to become a kid and throw myself on the floor crying! I don’t know how that sounds and of course that is dramatic, but that is how it feels inside. The crazy thing is I had to agree to this because at the time of our divorce I was fighting cancer and my finances, even with state help, was not enough to provide for my children. I had to go through testing and surgery. It was horrible! But thank God I made it through all of that and am cancer free three years going! But I would give anything to have my children now that I have the stability in my health and finances! Keep your chin up. I know how you feel and you will make it through just like I am. I know the days that are struggles and the days that are not so bad. One thing that helped me was that one day my ex broke down and told me that I get to be the fun parent and all the kids do is talk about how much fun they have coming to my house. He cannot stand it. And I am not wallowing in his jelousy, but am so happy to hear my children talk about me all of the time and how much fun they have with mommy! My boys are in first and third grade. We live near a city that is a tourist attraction so we get to experience a lot of cool things and make lots of memories together when they are with me, and that keeps me going. Just focus on spending quality time like that, and you will reap the same benefits. Good luck!
brandon says:
November 11th, 2011 at 8:40 am
My two boys live 4 hours away and I found out recently that my daughter will be moving to Florida in a few months. I live in Kentucky. she will be 15 hours away. Reading this helps me realize Im not alone in the struggles faced by long distant parents. Sometimes I dont feel much like a parent. My infrequent conversations with my 9 and 4 yr old boys lasts 1-2 minutes and with the impending doom that my little girl moving so far away leaves me feeling like a neglectful father. Thank you for writing this.
Chris says:
December 9th, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Yes this post is bittersweet, because we in these circumstances can relate to others, and to be reminded how painful it is. I am so sorry to hear of the continued difficulty. But what else is there really? It doesn’t get easier. In fact, as our children grow and their lives take shape, we miss out on more and more. I have shared my story with the author here; I live in Colorado while my son lives in Germany. 1500 miles, or a few states away sounds like a dream. I also find myself competing with his new step-daddy (“my other daddy”) which drives me absolutely bonkers! Not kidding – this is beyond insult. It’s a science fiction movie, where the real dad has been replaced by a pseudo dad, and I have to watch it all take place.
Anyway, please know that we all share in your pain, we all feel the sting of your words, we are all among the walking-wounded. We, an obscure community of estranged distance parents, missing out on the fleeting years of our children. Please stay strong! Sometimes I am beside myself with pain and angst, it never goes away. Thank you for sharing your feelings, it is a balance between privacy and connection.
Gillian says:
December 15th, 2011 at 5:19 pm
I was so pleased to find this website. I am not a long distance parent, but it is something that my boyfriend of 3 years, who lives in the UK (I’m in LA), and I have been discussing on his part. He has been embroiled in a nasty custody battle for the last 2 years and it doesn’t look like things will get any better. His daughter is 4 1/2 and he has, basically, never been given permission by his ex to have a true relationship with her. In fact, he has NEVER spent any time alone with his daughter, but instead sees her every Saturday for 2 hours with his ex present (his daughter lives 3 1/2 hours away from him, so he drives 7 hours every Saturday for this 2 hour visit). Suffice it to say, his daughter and he do not have a loving, independent relationship with one another. He sends me videos from his weekly visits, and he is merely an observer of 2 hours of his daughter’s life…she doesn’t interact with him much, no matter how hard he tries.
We are at a point where we need to take the long distance element of OUR relationship out of the mix, and the ONLY thing that would make the UK our choice (he loves LA and thinks he could have a much better quality of life here, and I wholeheartedly agree) is, understandably, his daughter. This is his decision to make, and, while I make my opinions known, I make it very clear that the choice is his…I cannot imagine the resentment that would build if I was “to blame” for him leaving the UK. The fact of the matter is, in LA, both of our earning potentials are higher (I’m a California licensed attorney), we have an enormous support system of family and friends (he does not have a support system in the UK and is not particularly close to his parents), and opportunities for us and our future children are better than in the UK.
I am not a parent, so I have appreciated having the opportunity to read articles and comments on this site. I’m especially grateful for Matthew’s articles. I feel that my partner could have a higher quality, more memorable and influential relationship with his daughter from LA than he does right now. Obviously, some of this would require his ex working with him, which has always been the obstacle, but perhaps not having to see him every weekend would be a relief to her. I never thought I would think long distance parenting was the answer, but how much do you sacrifice of your own happiness and growth for 2, supervised hours a week with your child?
Thank you all for the articles!