Along my journey gathering community around long distance parenting, I’ve read and seen a lot of things regarding divorce, child custody, non-custodial parents, deadbeat parents and parental alienation syndrome. One thing that sticks out to me is how gender biased the stories typically are.

Rather than being centered around parents in general, it’s about fathers or mothers or men or women. Take for example this post by Richard Gardener. He all but blames the advent of parental alienation syndrome upon mothers even going so far as to say :

We see here how those who deny the existence of PAS are adding formidably to the grief of women. Women’s past denial and discrediting of PAS has now come back to haunt them. Women are now being injured by their own weapons, or, as the old saying goes, they are being “hoist by their own pitards.”

That is one of the most ridiculous, one sided, prejudiced things I’ve ever read. Granted, mothers were often awarded physical custody based primarily upon the fact that they were women not…

Sometimes when I step back and look at my family with my kids and their families, it can take on the appearance of some sort of cobbled together patchwork of not quite perfect stories. Like stitched together pieces that sometimes aren’t exactly the right size, held together by string and intention.

In my own family, I have chosen to have very little contact with my mother and I am growing closer and closer to my father, who I didn’t have a relationship with for the first part of my life. My only blood sister is on the opposite side of the country and my various other family members by blood and marriage are far flung as well. Instead of having the immediate proximity of blood and marriage family, I’ve chosen a hodgepodge of folks for my chosen family. People of all races, genders and backgrounds. Some of my chosen family is scattered across the globe as well.

My son lives with me now but didn’t always. My step daughter lives with her mother. Her father and I…

“She asked the judge if she could keep the kids from him if he didn’t pay child support”, my friend told me. I’m sure my cheeks blanched. “Personally, I don’t think he should get to see them. If he can’t pay child support, he can’t see them”, she continued.

I almost felt rage. I replied very carefully. “You’re STUPID!” haha… just kidding. I didn’t say that. I actually said something to the tune of “That would never be in the best interest of the kids. She might be mad when he doesn’t pay. It might even put her in a really tough spot financially. But the kids need both parents no matter how pissed off they are at each other.”

I was shocked to hear someone I consider a friend say something like this. In a moment, every argument I’ve ever had with my son’s father and every argument my ex husband ever had with my stepdaughter’s mother came flashing back. It’s a good thing that we have courts and judges. Sure, some judges are a pain…