I haven’t posted here in awhile.  Truth be told, I view this site (and accompanying Facebook page) as an uplifting support system, ripe with extremely valuable insight and optimistic outlooks and advice on how best to make the most of a very trying situation.  I love how all involved help to lift each other up, give advice and share their own stories.  It’s a virtual home of hope and support, all in such a wonderful vein of positivity.

I guess lately, I’ve felt that I can’t add too much of that hopeful outlook, as I’ve been struggling as my little girl has started Kindergarten, and that changed the dynamic quite a bit for me.  I still try to call her every single day (my work Outlook Calendar is still blocked for 30 minutes every afternoon for the task).  But more and more phone calls go unanswered.  More and more text messages go unreturned.  Each unreciprocated attempt feels like another kick in the gut, to the point where I have come to not expect a connection, but rather that vacant sound of the generic voicemail voice, prompting me, yet again, to leave a message – a message that I’ll inevitably wonder if my little girl ever heard, or paid too much attention to, in light of all else that is going on in her life; a life that I feel more and more distanced from.

I don’t want to paint a portrait of desperation or despair.  As mentioned, I’ve come to… (More)

Allie: O;)??i?$73

Me: Hi sweetheart, how is your day?

Allie: Gsksjsofjfjserr

Me: Are you ready for your birthday? I can’t believe you’re going to be 5!!!

Allie: Gwygegeyeu Bhhdydhsydhdydh

Me: I love you, Princess. XOXO

Allie: I. Love. You. Daddy

And that is roughly what 99% of my text message communications with my daughter look like. Typically just a string of nonsensical characters, only rarely forming any word you’d find in the English language, let alone a complete thought (although occasionally she transcribes to someone else to type her thoughts for her – makes for an easier flow of conversation, but much less personal). She’s getting better though. As you can see, she does know how to read/write some words, including those most important to me – I, Love, You and Daddy.

I have many instances where I feel that although what she sends is gibberish, it’s some of the most important and reflective sentiments that I’ll hear from anyone all day. After all, it’s not the sequence or selection of characters that she chooses to send me (one could argue that some of my messages are just as incoherent at times), it’s that she sends me anything at all that melts my heart; that she’s thinking of me. It’s those unexpected, unsolicited messages that pop up out of nowhere that light up my face no matter where I am or… (More)

I was always taught that there are very few times when a grown man should cry – Funerals, and that sort, I suppose. My own personal list, however, of permissible occasions for a man to tear up a bit definitely includes those few minutes when I am returning my daughter to her mother after a week or two of good quality time together. Life as we know it changes for the duration of the time that she is with us, as my girlfriend and I temporarily abandon our “come-and-go-as-we-please” lifestyle to adapt to the warm and inviting home that my daughter knows in California. Sushi and fish tacos are replaced by fish sticks and chicken tenders, and Nickelodeon tends to be the order of the day on the flat screen. Late nights at the office take a back seat to playing “Go Fish” and reading a fairytale princess story before bed. But it is all so very welcome and we both get upset when it is time for Allie to go back.

I start to feel a bit sad about the day before I have to take her back, as I am compiling my mental checklist of things of Allie’s that I need to remember to pack. She often senses this slight gloom and ironically it is her reminding me that “Daddy, but I’m still here right now,” in that every so adorable high pitched voice. It is amazingly deep sentiment coming from such an innocent, young, four-year old girl,… (More)

This is my first holiday season as a long distance father.  Last year I lived in the same town as my daughter, then age 3, and I saw her every other weekend and one night during the week (sometimes over night).  I was living in a small two bedroom apartment just minutes from her.  During my visitation with her, we’d engage in typical holiday fun (my girlfriend was even so sweet as to order us a big Thanksgiving dinner and have it delivered for one of my visits with my daughter, even though she was a thousand miles away visiting her own family).  I would take Allie shopping to get Christmas ideas for her and to pick out gifts for the rest of the family.  We would watch holiday cartoons or rearrange decorations on the tree.  Basically, every few days or so, we’d spend our time together reveling in the joys of the season and I’d enjoy getting to see the holiday magic through her eyes, as she compiled her endless list for Santa and asked question after question about the jolly red guy.  And when I wasn’t with her, I spent what seemed like months building my daughter one of those wooden dollhouses, gluing shingles, painting or decorating the miniature interior – it turned out to be a gift that she loved and still enjoys playing with.

I’ve never been one of those huge holiday fanatics, as it often brings back some painful childhood memories that I’d rather not… (More)

Having recently (within the last year or so) become a long distance parent, I’ve done some considerable reading on how best to maintain a relationship with my daughter and cope with the multitude of emotions involved. Of all of the advice I’ve read, perhaps the most important thing is to have a strong support system and someone you can talk to. I’m extremely fortunate to have just that and an amazing partner in my girlfriend. I wrote the below to her, but wanted to share:

My Dearest :

As I type this, I’m sitting at about 30,000 feet or so, on my fourth flight of the day since the alarm went off at the ungodly hour of 3:40 a.m. I was fortunate enough to catch an earlier flight, so I’ll be home about 4 hours sooner than originally anticipated. I miss you and I’m anxious to see you after a long weary day of travel.

As you know, I had to take Allie home today, and while the 4,000-or-so frequent flier miles in a 16 hr span are nice, they sure take their toll and I’m tired and emotionally drained right now. Flights 3 and 4 have been lonely, without the excitement of travelling with my little sidekick, but they give me plenty of time to think (aren’t we always pining for some down time? – nothing like a solid day of air travel to make me careful what we wish for!).

… (More)