I recently had the life-altering experience of reading Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors. My son, who has a long distance dad, and to whom I have, at one time, been a long distance mom to, has some challenging behavior that this book addresses.

I read it because I needed something, anything that would help me connect with him in a different way. I was struggling against pre-adolescent angst mixed with valid fear and anger from him that seemed so compounded that I had no idea how to tackle it. After reading, I came away with a completely changed perspective on kids, growing up and parenting that has changed the way our family works and has fundamentally changed the way I parent him and ultimately, his childhood and his life – for the better.

The premise of the book is that when a child experiences a traumatic incident (which might even be something relatively minor, in adult eyes), they essentially go into fight or flight mode and resort to behaviors that help them survive. They don’t listen because they can’t – they are focused on getting through the conversation. They don’t do what they should and they often do what they shouldn’t – because their motivation for acting is not what their parent has said – but what they feel they need to do in order to get through. They essentially spend most of their time in… (More)

reposted with permission from the author – he became a distance parent in September 2011 when he moved back to his home country, England. His son is 4.

I was looking on google for a forum for long distance parents. Over the past 3 months I have been slowly adjusting to a new life thousands of miles from my son. I am English and have recently moved back to the UK from South America where my son lives with his mum.

I feel desperately sad at times. I worry a lot about my very nearly 4 year old son. From the sounds of it, he is quite depressed at times, biting his nails a lot. I am seeking a community because last night I got a quite upset email from his mum telling me that at the moment things are especially hard. My son had his last day at nursery this week – another loss for him.

I make some kind of contact with him every day, either through Skype, telephone or by sending a little email with some pictures. I find these things help me, and sometimes my son seems to like them too. Sometimes I think Skype frustrates him a lot. While reading a picture book to him the other day he said to me ‘you can’t read it properly when you’re not here’.

Generally I find reading and books to be a good way of connecting. I try to make our Skype sessions fun, if that… (More)

When you live away from your kids and the custodial parent, exchanging checks or eyeballing the same physical document is not possible. Fortunately for us, these days, the internet hosts a variety of websites with services or tools that allow you to do just that.

There are a plethora of paid shared custody tool websites, which I will cover in a later post. However, there are ways to manage these tasks really simply, for free, and maybe even using tools that you already use.

Paypal

When parents don’t live close together, handing the custodial parent a child support check every month isn’t an option. Or when your child has an unexpected ER visit, it might not be feasible for the custodial parent to wait a week to receive your part of the medical expenses and for the check to clear their bank.

Paypal is quick, reliable and easy. Once your account is set up (which can be a rather lengthy process, if you don’t already use paypal), you can send money to anyone who has a paypal account – ie: the custodial parent, hopefully.

Best of all, it records every transaction that you can easily report on. No more hanging on to receipts,check stubs and bank statements in order to prove that you paid your child support on time or that you paid your part of the medical bills.

Google Docs

If you’ve ever had to go through one of those mind numbing conversations or email chains… (More)

When my son is here with me, there are a bunch of shows on hulu that we like to watch together. He snuggles up to me (don’t tell him I told you that) and we get into the show together. He anticipates what shows will be on when and we don’t watch the ones we both like until we can watch them together.

Yesterday, during internet visitation, I suggested we watch one of our shows together. In retrospect, I’m not sure why I never thought of that before. We picked out a show and synchronized pushing play. After each commercial break, because commercials are kind of random and we had different commercials, we’d pause until we were both ready to push play again.

We could laugh at the same times, he could ask questions, we could comment on what was happening. It was almost.. ALMOST like we were right there together again.

In the beginning of my long distance parenting arrangement, my son’s father and I agreed to split air fare in half with his half not to exceed a certain amount. This went into our long distance parenting plan.

However, if that’s not possible, in California, travel cost associated with the children becomes a credit in the child support calculation. In our case, since we split the travel, it’s a wash but if you can’t split the cost of travel, check with your state on how that can factor into child support.