Along my journey gathering community around long distance parenting, I’ve read and seen a lot of things regarding divorce, child custody, non-custodial parents, deadbeat parents and parental alienation syndrome. One thing that sticks out to me is how gender biased the stories typically are.

Rather than being centered around parents in general, it’s about fathers or mothers or men or women. Take for example this post by Richard Gardener. He all but blames the advent of parental alienation syndrome upon mothers even going so far as to say :

We see here how those who deny the existence of PAS are adding formidably to the grief of women. Women’s past denial and discrediting of PAS has now come back to haunt them. Women are now being injured by their own weapons, or, as the old saying goes, they are being “hoist by their own pitards.”

That is one of the most ridiculous, one sided, prejudiced things I’ve ever read. Granted, mothers were often awarded physical custody based primarily upon the fact that they were women not so long ago – but had the tables been turned, I have no doubt that men would have perpetrated parental alienation syndrome before women. Parental Alienation Syndrome is not a product of mothers or women or men or fathers, it’s a product of spiteful, irresponsible parents with a grudge who feel they should have some sort of power over their children’s relationship with their other parent.

And further, although admittedly… (More)

Sometimes when I step back and look at my family with my kids and their families, it can take on the appearance of some sort of cobbled together patchwork of not quite perfect stories. Like stitched together pieces that sometimes aren’t exactly the right size, held together by string and intention.

In my own family, I have chosen to have very little contact with my mother and I am growing closer and closer to my father, who I didn’t have a relationship with for the first part of my life. My only blood sister is on the opposite side of the country and my various other family members by blood and marriage are far flung as well. Instead of having the immediate proximity of blood and marriage family, I’ve chosen a hodgepodge of folks for my chosen family. People of all races, genders and backgrounds. Some of my chosen family is scattered across the globe as well.

My son lives with me now but didn’t always. My step daughter lives with her mother. Her father and I are divorcing. But she’s still my step daughter and always will be. My son’s grandparents have all divorced and remarried giving him somewhere on the order of 8 sets of grandparents. He is the first grandchild of all of them and still only one of 3 on all 8 sides. His only sibling is his step sister… my aforementioned step daughter.

When we talk about family, we talk about Nanna So-and-So or… (More)

Rick Ortiz posted an interesting article about virtual visitation that I presume is by Richard Coffee. Unfortunately, between the two captcha systems, I couldn’t get my comment to post. So here is a response to the article.

You raise very legitimate points that I think every parent should consider when creating a long distance parenting plan. However, many, if not all, of these concerns can be addressed with proper planning prior to creating a parenting plan that includes virtual visitation.

Although abuse of long distance parenting plans may occur, there is no more risk of that than with any other parenting arrangement. Just like abuse or violations in the parenting agreement of a non-long distance situation, violations of a long distance parenting plan can and should be pursued through the courts. As someone who has taken care of such violations in court, I am quite certain that a parent’s rights to visitation, no matter the means, or not to be otherwise alienated from their child are respected by any judge.

Again, as a parent who has been on both sides of the long distance parenting relationship – that of the custodial and the non-custodial parent, I can personally attest to the fact that virtual visitation is a wonderful supplement to a long distance parenting relationship and that all of these concerns can be addressed in a well written parenting plan. That said, as you point out, it is not an adequate substitution to in-person parenting time.

“She asked the judge if she could keep the kids from him if he didn’t pay child support”, my friend told me. I’m sure my cheeks blanched. “Personally, I don’t think he should get to see them. If he can’t pay child support, he can’t see them”, she continued.

I almost felt rage. I replied very carefully. “You’re STUPID!” haha… just kidding. I didn’t say that. I actually said something to the tune of “That would never be in the best interest of the kids. She might be mad when he doesn’t pay. It might even put her in a really tough spot financially. But the kids need both parents no matter how pissed off they are at each other.”

I was shocked to hear someone I consider a friend say something like this. In a moment, every argument I’ve ever had with my son’s father and every argument my ex husband ever had with my stepdaughter’s mother came flashing back. It’s a good thing that we have courts and judges. Sure, some judges are a pain in the rear and we might not like what they have to say sometimes – but if child support and custody cases were left up to the parents, I think keeping the kids away from the other parent would be far more popular. As would not paying child support, I’m sure.

As someone who has been on both sides of the coin… having been the long distance parent as well as the custodial… (More)